11-19-12

Hi everyone! 
I haven't blogged in a while. It has been a whirlwind for the past 7 months.  This has definitely been the hardest thing to decide, but time and prayer has definitely healed me so I feel I can share. I also feel it is time to move on. God has restored my heart and definitely my faith.

Here is a blog I had started to write but never got to finish.....

Monday~ 11-19-12

The happiest day of my life, besides my wedding day of course! Dan and I found out we are expecting our first baby. My emotions are all over the place. We have waited for this for a long time and I have to admit there were days I wondered if it would happen. 

I went to a normal appointment to have my blood drawn to check my hormone levels. I remember sitting there in the doctors office right next to a couple that was overexcited to be finding out what they were having. I remember sitting there feeling bummed and wondering when my day was coming. Little did I know......

The nurse drew my blood and told me they would have the results in a couple hours and would let me know if it was ok to take my medicine again. Later that afternoon I missed the call on my cell. I was at work so I thought I would just call them right back on my work phone. The front desk lady answered and I told her my name and was returning a call to the nurse. Instead of having me leave a message like they normally would they said oh hold on one second. The nurse got on the phone and sounded so chirpy and just tells me well your levels were great and your PREGNANT. I was in complete shock I could hear her just going on in the background but don't even remember what she was saying. Then realized I couldn't say a word without the girls knowing I just remember 
saying Oh Ok in the most normal voice LOL! I finally said I'm at work and she is like Oh, Im so sorry! I told her I would call her back.......

I found this note today. I had wrote this when I had finally accepted the fact that it was really true. I was 8 wks along and honestly felt that I could tell my family. That God would not have given me this baby after 5 yrs. of trying and waiting for so long just to take it away. 

I decided to wait to tell my family on thanksgiving day. It was so crazy because my sister had woke up that morning and was getting ready in the bathroom. She later told me she told Mark she just felt that I was pregnant. Crazy right?!? I guess there really is a sisters intuition. I'm so glad she did have that because when we had told my family we wanted to give them something Mark had his camera out. 

These shots I'm going to post are hard for me to even look at sometimes, but then again SO special! They are apart of our life and I know when my next baby comes I will be thankful for these memories.

Those moments of telling my family was everything I imagined it would be and more. Tears of joy and lots of hugs! Ill never forget that. 

When the news came later I had lost the baby heartbroken can not even describe what I was feeling. I was never mad at God, but upset that this had taken place. Questions filled my head like "why would God even give me this baby only to take it away? " I remember many nights crying to Dan, my sister, and my mom wondering if I would ever be happy again. Would I be able to laugh and feel joy again? 

I will never understand Gods ways, but I only know that he has been so good to us. We are so thankful for our family's for praying for us and just being there constantly if we needed them.  I cannot even count the phone calls from my mom, dad, sister, and sister-in-love Nadine where they just let me cry or say whatever I needed to say just to get it off my chest. I love you all SO much! 

There are no possible ways even to express the love I have for my husband now even more than before. He was right by my side grieving as well and taking good care of me. We have become stronger and love even more. So if I talk about my husband all the time or how I'm so thankful for him it's because of so much we have been through and time and time again he proves he will always be there for me.

When we planned this trip I was thinking a fresh new start is what we need. We have certainly gotten that. I recently had God speak to me through two people on the same day! We are praying and believing that its going to happen real soon again!  

A couple positive things that have come from this is that now I know I CAN get pregnant!! Also I have lost 17 pounds recently to try to help get my body ready for a baby. It's making me feel better knowing I will be healthier to carry that sweet baby of mine when the time comes. 

So I guess you say why share now? Well since we wanted a fresh new start and are finally getting peace again, I wanted it all off my chest and out in the open. A few have known and thank you all so much for the sweet gifts, hugs, emails, texts, and calls. Even if we did not respond to them all we appreciated them.

 All I know now is that I am trusting in the one true God and with him "ALL things are possible!"
 

Goodnight everyone!!